Contrived kindness and contrived contempt
This being a post on the subject of ego, what better picture to use than my own radiant countenance? To top it off, this picture is taken in a mirror, depicting my asymmetric face the way I see it and nobody else!
(I can’t bear to see that other guy; looks all wrong.)
Incidentally, the hair: no, it is not normally like that.
Aside from the Nigger Tax, David W. Boles writes plenty of other interesting observations and contemplations on his blog. But he has an amusing little quirk: he responds to each and every comment, and almost never fails to express his appreciation for it:
“Beautifully said, Jeff”
“Thank you for sharing your feelings here, Karvain. I appreciate your words”
“Chris — Your story is touching [...]”
“Beltane — It’s nice to hear from you!”
“Marinade — I appreciate your ‘White Trash Tax’ argument!”
“Thanks for the great comment, RuKsak! I appreciate the time you took to press in a kind word.”
“Hi Miss Kimberly! Thank you for your wonderful comment [...]”
“Hi fruey – I appreciate your insight.”
… and all these are just from one blog post! It is certainly well intended, but he does so much of it that I can’t help but find it a little contrived.
We sometimes go over-the-top in niceness not only because we like to be nice, but also because we like to be perceived as being nice. While there is practical value in that, usually what we are after is the validation of our virtues. This is a specific case of our general tendency to seek validation to patch up our insecurities, the parts of our egos that aren’t self-supporting. I wonder if this partly drives David’s very avid declarations of appreciation. That’s not to say that the niceness is ingenuine … just that the avid expression of it is fuelled by the needs of the ego.
A lot of stuff is fuelled by the needs of the ego; many of the things we do have no other basis. That’s not the case with David; he also wants to encourage a dialog on his blog, make others feel welcome, share the ego boost, spread joy. He seems a genuinely good guy, and I’m not dissing him. There is no shame in being partly driven by ego needs. I am. We all are. I am yammering on about it not because it is wrong, but because it is a valuable effect to recognize. Any morsel of understanding of what makes us tick is valuable.
In contrast to David, one acquaintance of mine loudly trumpets out his laughing contempt for almost everyone; homosexuals, fat people, ugly people, redheads. Obviously it starts off tiresome and rapidly gets worse. But why does he do it? Does the contempt bolster his own feeling of superiority by contrast? You bet. He dares to flout social conventions by trumpeting it; does this daring boost his ego? You bet. Is that entirely why he does it? I think so. There is no other value in it. And it fits — he exhibits all the other tired old power plays: assigning pet names and forcing others to respond to them; trying to out-foul-mouth everyone else; vigorous put-downs under the pretense of amicable joking; the works. And to a conscious observer, it is all woefully transparent … but also ineffective. By viewing him as an academic example of this point I’m making, I can be far less irritated by him, smiling to myself knowingly and then ignoring it. (And using that I-see-right-through-you feeling to fatten up my own ego in the process, of course :-) )
This acquaintance of mine is a sharp fellow. He “extrospects” very well, figuring out what makes others tick. But sharp fellows do not always introspect much. I wonder if he will recognize, at some point, that there are more dignified and better-smelling building materials for an ego.
(Ooh, aren’t I superior! :-) )
November 10th, 2005 at 1:20 am
Hi Gulli – I appreciate your insight :)
November 10th, 2005 at 1:23 am
Didn’t I lend you Plato’s Republic a couple of weeks ago? You’ll find Glaucon’s views resonate well with yours when it comes to morality and selfishness.
In two sentences I managed to appear generous, intellectual and superior to you by virtue of having lent you this classic and knowing something about its contents.
It sure feels good.
I was extra nice and left a typo for you to correct me, so that you can feel superior.
I’m such a great guy!
November 10th, 2005 at 1:37 am
Hjalti and Hælhaldur: thank you both for your humor and generosity, and I am impressed by your evident intellect!
November 10th, 2005 at 11:59 am
It’s highly commendable how meticulous you are in not only fixing the typo but also replacing each occurrence of a straight quote mark with a right curly quote mark. My heartfelt admiration is evident!
November 10th, 2005 at 12:41 pm
Uh, my blog software does that automagically … but I salute your attention to detail! I also thank you graciously for your readiness to compliment me; it is very kind of you and indicative of a noble mindset.
(Okay, enough already!)
November 12th, 2005 at 6:16 am
Gulli, thank you for a very interesting article, I appreciate the time you must have spent researching for this posting, and the articulate contrasts you draw between a US person and an Icelandic (or simply non-US for that matter) person… which is really what this is all about :-)
November 12th, 2005 at 2:15 pm
What a bunch of complete nonsense. You clearly have no clue what you’re talking about. You dolt!
Just thought I’d try out the opposite extreme of comment attitude. :)
But I do vigorously disagree with your idea of “what this is all about” … the hackneyed stereotype of the superficial American, and the implied superiority we non-US people supposedly enjoy in being less ingratiating. Of course you were only joking, but I’ll spout my rant just the same: I see plenty of contrived kindness here in Iceland, and plenty of frank, honest interaction in the US. Blanket generalizations of an entire nation’s character may be valuable in economics and market research and such mass-behavior fields, but to me they are worthless and foul-smelling, being not only disrespectful of the individuals of that nation and conducive to prejudices against them, but also a waste of my time and attention; I find specific observation of the character of an individual far more interesting than any linkage of that character to some supposed common national mindset. I have been guilty of careless, ill-founded, mildly amusing generalizations about nations in the past; now they just run shivers down my spine.
Except for Swedes, of course. Swedes really do universally suck.
:-)
(Even though I’m obviously kidding, my Swedish friends will still kill me for this. That’s Swedes for you; no mercy!)
November 12th, 2005 at 5:25 pm
Bíddu…. ertu þarna að gera tilraunir með “hina einu sönnu Gulla Briem greiðslu”?
November 12th, 2005 at 11:38 pm
Hehe … tók ekki eftir þeirri tengingu … nei, ég er þarna bara nýbaðaður að leika mér með minn vanalega sturtuhaus. Svona segir hann mér að klipping sé tímabær.
November 15th, 2005 at 3:56 pm
BRILL mynd !
kv. gamall mokari
January 8th, 2006 at 4:21 am
That hair is fantastic.
January 8th, 2006 at 1:25 pm
[to beat a dead horse till it winces] Thank you for your charitable words, Valur and James!