Children, religions, and deception
Symbols of various religions. Your child may have classmates stuck with one of those “other” symbols. Make sure your child treats them right.
If a seven-year-old child, not a close acquaintance, asks you whether you believe in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy, do you tell them the truth?
(I am assuming you do not, in fact, believe in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy)
Maybe you say you do. Maybe you find it a harmless lie about a not-particularly-relevant part of the world, and there is no hurry for the child to know the truth. I might. I don’t know.
How about if the little child asks you something a bit more relevant: whether you believe in God? And it so happens that you don’t?
I had to answer that question for myself this afternoon. A co-worker’s daughter was at our office waiting for him to finish. She was horsing around and asking questions, and this one came out of her.
I hesitated briefly, then said “no, I don’t.” She giggled, asked “really?” and then said I was weird, and that she was certainly determined to believe in him. She then proceeded to horse around some more. I doubt that the experience left her psyche particularly scarred.
Why did I hesitate? I was wondering whether something obligated me to lie to her or refuse to answer the question. By statistics, she is probably being raised believing in God. Am I improperly meddling in her parents’ approach to her upbringing, by telling her truthfully what I believe? Am I giving her trouble? Thoughts too hard to deal with? Should I make a best guess at what her parents want her to believe, and play along with that?
Let’s look at it differently: say I was Jewish, and she asked whether I believed in Jesus Christ being God’s son and part of a Holy Trinity. If I went along with her religion’s version of the world, or carefully avoided letting her know that my version was different, wouldn’t I be belittling my faith, implicitly accepting the idea that my religion’s version of the world was somehow inferior or undesirable or shameful, its existence an inconvenience that shouldn’t be inflicted on such a little child? Expecting a Jew to do this would be quickly found rather unreasonable, wouldn’t you say?
Well, as it happens, my world-view is not Judaism, it is atheism. My conception of the world does not contain a god. Is this world-view inferior and undesirable? Should I be expected to hide it from children who ask? Should I be ashamed of it?
Apparently, to some extent, I still am. I did hesitate, wondering whether telling the truth would be offensive or wrong somehow.
In my society, one is “supposed to be” a Christian. But we are fairly lax about this, thankfully. I do not feel it too often. Not too many years ago, someone close to me heard me say something in which my atheism was implicit, and asked “Wait, you don’t believe in God?” in a bit of a shocked tone. Wide-eyed, I said “well, no.” I was quite surprised; I had not expected this to be news to anyone close to me. This person said “oh well, you’ll grow up out of it.”
Whaaat?
And we atheists are said to be disrespectful of other people’s views.
But putting aside my own right to feel unashamed of my world-view, what about the little girl who asked? Is she better served by hiding from her — for the time being — the fact that opinions differ on the Big Questions? Is that for later? How about the “other-minded” kids she might go to school with, Muslims or Jews or atheists or what-have-you? Are they well served by being placed in an environment where all the “normal” kids are apt to regard “other” religions as a foreign concept, weird, abnormal, shameful? Is that fair?
I say hell no. No pun intended. The sooner kids get to learn about diversity, the sooner they can learn to respect it, and by extension, each other. And the sooner they can begin their own process of challenging their pre-installed givens and deciding for themselves what to believe … a process that not only depends on a person’s mental maturity, but also drives it.
The objective of shielding young children from the complexities of this world is well-intended and valid in itself — but it should be taken in moderation, in a trade-off against the opposing objective of not installing their starting prejudices too firmly.
So I do not regret being truthful with her. If she was old enough to ask that question, she was old enough for a truthful answer to it. Telling children the truth sometimes does good and sometimes does harm, and sometimes does both. I think the truly harmful cases are few and far-between, so I plan to err on the truthful side. Tell it gently and carefully, but do tell the truth. Wherever feasible.
September 27th, 2005 at 4:45 am
Try living in the Bible Belt of the United States sometime. Not many people are going to have the same views as you do.
By the way, you’re going to Hell.
;-)
(not really, just thought I’d throw that in…)
September 27th, 2005 at 9:32 am
I think I would prefer an asteroid belt. I’m sure people in general are perfectly nice around your parts, like everywhere else, but I suspect (in my nice little prejudiced way) that I would enjoy more social compatibility in outer space.
It was kind of you to issue that retraction at the end; without it I’d be shivering with fatalistic fear. :-)
September 27th, 2005 at 3:18 pm
If my daughter asked me if I believed in god I would tell her no (but I would probably not preempt the question with atheistic lectures). On the other hand if she asked if I believed in Santa Claus I would probably say yes… I have no logical justification to rationalize this. Perhaps I feel more strongly about telling the truth about issues of great importance, again – no logical explanation.
June 3rd, 2007 at 3:52 pm
I believe children should not be force fed religious doctrine at all, but instead invited to learn about it once they’ve reached their teens and can understand it and make their own choice rather than the typical “if you don’t believe in god you’re going to hell” their parents feed them from birth because that’s what they were fed as children.
As far as I’m concerned religion is a human concept which was created to control the weak, this applies to all deity based religions. Tell them they big guy up in the sky will damn them to eternal hellfire unless they do as they’re told.
I was raised protestant, thankfully I’ve opened my eyes long before it was too late and (if I last for the average life expectancy) I’ve still got another good 50 years to enjoy in clarity, sadly I’ll have to watch the delusional blowing each other up until the day where they wake up, if that day ever comes.
August 9th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Hmmmmm. Interesting question that I answer from the position of both a Christian and the parent of three small children.
I would always prefer honesty to deception. While I am not sure about the tooth fairy, I DO believe in Santa Claus as a concept for a time of year to celebrate and remember the gift given to all of us…I don’t really believe simplifying this into a concept of a kind a generous symbol is a “Lie”.
I would hope you would tell my children the truth if they asked you. My faith causes me to believe I have no right to judge you…even when we disagree. As a matter of fact, if I were to condemn you for your honest belief, I would be committing a far greater sin than anything you had done…I would be usurping the power of God.
A true believer spend his entire mortal life in an attempt to make himself/herself a better person in the eyes of God. I can only do this by loving and respecting other, whether they agree with me or not. My obligation is to present to you, with an open heart, my life as a testament to the blessing I have received. All should be welcome at my table, in my home, and in my church.
Your beliefs are yours…while I need not agree with you, I am obligated to respect and love you.
September 5th, 2007 at 1:01 am
First of all, Santa doesn’t have anything to do with Christainity. It was a Pagan (other) religion that eveloped into the Christian faith as did some other things as the easter bunny. I believe everyone should believe what ever they believe as long as they do not harm or infringe their beliefs on others. One thing that holds us in the same light is that we all are guessing (Christianity alone has several different denominations and texts). Some Christians believe Jesus is God incarnate, others he is the son of God, and although he said himself not to worship him many still do (getting away from the first commandment). Jesus wasn’t Christian himself — he practiced Judaism. Me myself I have no obligation to any religion, however, I do believe in God, and if I had to choose — I would say Islam is the closest for me to believe. I was raised Christian and something didn’t feel right about it because someone was preaching, but they weren’t teaching anything, and if they were it didn’t make sense. God in my belief doen’t make things that complicated. But after studying the Bible, Torah, and Quran, I come to the conclusion that they were at one time the same religion. With it starting with Abram who didn’t speak Hebrew — He spoke Chaldaic or Aramaic and built the first temple in Mekka whereas the Bible doesn’t clearly say but rather speaks of two lands on each side of it. Islam and Judaism split with the indication of Isaiah whereas the descendants of the fourth son of Jacob began practicing the religion differently. And I tire of people saying it is a 1400 year religion. It was the first of those three and Mohammad was the LAST prophet. The one who said to honor Judaism and Christianity because they are people of God. Jesus in my believe was a prophet, however, when I tell my Christian friends that they LAUGH. Funny isn’t it, that they think his name is actually Jesus Christ. Christ itself means “PROPHET.” Although I have questioned whether or not God exists at all — and living with humanity — it is hard to tell sometimes.
September 5th, 2007 at 9:55 pm
Uh … what was the middle thing?
September 23rd, 2007 at 10:25 pm
I’m a teacher, so I’ve developed a system of dealing with all types of questions.
“Ask your parents what they think.”
I’m not ashamed, but it’s not my kid. The parents will give them what they want them to deal with when they are ready. I have said things before that 2 weeks later I heard the kid was bothered by, so I learned to leave it to the homefront.
November 17th, 2007 at 12:03 am
If you guys don’t believe in God, then you believe He doesn’t exist.
Let me tell you something.
Everything that has word for it, exists.
;)
Be blessed and let God have mercy on you through His divine Love.
November 17th, 2007 at 3:30 am
Thanks for that Qbe. If I ever do run into Him, I sure hope I’ll catch Him in the mercy mood. Wouldn’t want to end up like those Egyptian first-born babies.
November 29th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
I am only 12, and therefore have no children ( I hope:-) ), but I questioned my previously christian faith at about 7 or 8, and have since been and atheist. I personally believe that theistic beliefs exist, because the were made to control people, and since then people have not had the common sense to question them. I think that people should take a look at the much more relevant scientific philosophies, rather than God and eternal damnation.
I think that people may lie about minor issues, such as Santa, but with more important issues, such as the existence of God, people should tell the truth and give children an early as possible chance to decide for themselves what is right and what is wrong.
I don’t think that Qbe’s explanation to God is possible, because it also seems to suggest that everything exists. In other words, it says that God is correct, but so is Santa Claus.
December 15th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
It is an inconceivable concept for an omnipotent deity to restrict or spare anything or anyone from its influence. Far worst things have happened to children than indulging in an intelligent conversation with a rational human being. I have enjoyed your story and thanks for posting it.
January 13th, 2008 at 6:57 am
I have 5 kids. 10, 6, 4, and 1 yo twins.
My children know that many people believe different things. My child is learning about God at school. She asked me today about God. I told her a bit of what I believe and why.
I think it is important to expose children to all the beliefs and not simply what the parents believe. My children also know a little bit about how others choose to believe in God, goddess, etc. It isn’t any different in my mind than letting them know that people with brown skin are the same as us with “tan” skin, and they also know santa isn’t real, the toothfairy is his cousin, the easter bunny is related too, and all to the ominous, all powerful, leader of the world, male god that will smite u down if you say otherwise.
January 14th, 2008 at 4:29 am
u kno wt…i agree with u…
considering the fact that i dont agree with u on the fact that there is no God
but i would just as well respect ur belief and principles
but then again im only 15 years old so i hav a long time ahead of me to understand this
c…the funny thing is i started out browsing through google and this came up
it looked very interesting i actually read all of it…even the comments
and honestly i dont think u should listen to some of this BULL from ppl who cant accept differences…
i highly doubt that half of them even kno wt they are, better yet, wt they believe in
February 24th, 2008 at 9:05 am
What are the symbols in the middle, and the far bottom right?
I’ve never seen them before. (The religious symbols) ?
February 24th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
The bottom right one, the three interlocking crescents, is apparently adopted by Neo-Pagans to represent “the Triple Goddess” (whose existence seems to me about one-third as credible as that of a single goddess), but is originally the emblem of Diana of Poitiers and her lover Henry II of France.
The one to its left, the lotus carrying a flame, is the symbol of Ayyavazhi, a belief system that is either an independent monistic religion or a Hindu sect depending on whom you ask.
March 12th, 2008 at 3:41 am
Originally posted by Qbe “Everything that has word for it, exists.”
Ummm. “Unicorn” “Dragon” “The Shit That I Will Take in Two Days.” “Flying Spaghetti Monster.”
Yeah…false premise.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:21 am
But Satan (if that is your real name), let me tell you something. Consider the unicorn and dragon, both of which manifestly exist. Ha! Let both of Them have mercy on you through Their divine Love. (And do note the reverence implicit in my capitalization. I’m expecting extra credit for that at the Pearlies.)
Can’t help you with your prospective feces, much less the FSM … but on that note, Russell must be slapping his crumbling forehead over the news that people are getting jailed for teapot worship.
May 9th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
i have told my children that i have never seen santa or the tooth fairy, but i believe and it would be their choice to believe if they want to too. As for god, believe in what you have to that will help you get throught the day and be happy…. there are alot of unanswered question that children might have that i don’t have the answer to either… thats what life is about……….
May 17th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I used to be a Christian and encouraged my family, especially my kids, to believe in God. Through the years however, I came to realize that Christianity and God is more of a myth than fact. Recently, my daughters asked me why I don’t go to church anymore. I told them without hesitation that I no longer believe in God. My wife who is still a Christian was disturbed by my answer and talked to me a few nights after but I just told her that I’d rather say the truth than lie. That quite ended the discussion. :)
June 16th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I think that the problem with the world today is too many people forcing religion OUT of society. If we were all beleivers in Christianity the world would be at peace. I am not saying to force one religion on everyone but i do feel that by taking religion, more specifically, GOD out of society is causing much of the worlds problems and will soon lead to the end. Now that being said I welcome the end considering i know where i am going when i die, can you say the same?
July 4th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
So… I’m 16… I don’t believe in god, the toothfairy, or Santa Clause, and I don’t believe in pushing people to believe something. Telling a child that you believe in Santa, or the tooth fairy is fine until they’re old enough to make their own decision because you don’t want to ruin their dreams. Belief in god is an entirely different matter.
If a child is old enough to ask wheather or not you believe in a something means that they’re expecting an answer. Sure, they may think you’re silly for not believeing, but for a question like that, they’re probably just going to accept it, and move on. Kids are like that. No one should have religious view pushed upon them. You can offer a person an idea on how to look at the world and how it was created, but you can’t tell them. Choses maked the world an easier place to live in. At least to me. Quoting the bible, and telling me I’m going to hell because I don’t believe in Him, or because I don’t believe in heaven or hell is just going to make me resent your religion even more….