Uh-oh. Garðar seems to be rejecting me. Calamity!
But apparently he is accepting the person next to me. Oh no! That makes it worse!
Okay, now he’s mulling it over.
This was in a comment on a previous post:
Your disclaimer, that since you have no goal of convincing anyone you get to say whatever you want — do you really believe that when you publish your thoughts for the world to see, you have no desire at all for anyone who reads your thoughts to think “I agree” or “I can relate to that” or “He has a good point” or “I know that feeling”?
Sure. I have that desire. Thankfully I don’t need to indulge it at all times, but it is there, and quite strong. But that doesn’t mean everything I write is written to manipulate my readers’ minds or win them over to my beliefs. Nor is it written to pander to anyone’s beliefs or win anyone’s approval.
The context of my disclaimer matters: I had just criticized another man for writing in a manner poorly suited to the purpose of his writing, by not keeping the nature of his target audience in mind. And I stated that in my own writing on this blog I had neither a particular purpose nor a target audience, so I was not subject to the same criticism. I stand by that. In my first and second posts mentioning astrology, my opinion of it was fairly clear, but I was not attempting to convince anyone to jump on my bandwagon. (The peer pressure of scorn notwithstanding)
I run this blog for my enjoyment, or to share interesting or amusing things, when I feel like it. That’s my only purpose with it.
I obviously do not publish all of my thoughts. In particular, I skip a lot of thoughts that I am not proud of. When I am afraid, or feel I have failed, or feel rejected or dejected, I generally will not post that here. A lot of private goings-on are not topics for online discussion, but some of them I am skipping not because they are nobody’s business, but because they would embarrass me.
I hope I also don’t write for the purpose of self-aggrandization (if I do, please comment to point it out), but sure, I cherry-pick what I write about to make myself look okay in public. I put stuff in my hair before going out, too, and I don’t need to be ashamed of that.
To some extent I do want to feel that people like what I write; I do want the perception of praise or admiration. Of course I do. I don’t want to be lambasted for crappy writing. Of course I don’t.
I want affirmation.
That desire is an interesting topic in its own right, and one I think about a lot these days. We all crave validation, of our wisdom, our looks, our charm, our piano playing, whatever. Acceptance is delicious, especially from people whose opinion we value. Rejection is painful; rejection by people we care about is pure agony. I’ll bet many people who are fired feel terrible not so much because they miss the job or fear unemployment but because the rejection hurts. Likewise for people who “get dumped” from a relationship. Affirmation and rejection can work wonders or wreak havoc in our minds.
But more interestingly, the anticipation of affirmation and rejection is a very significant influence on the way we think and act. Thus it is valuable to give some thought to that.
There are dangers in our craving for validation. We tend, to different degrees, to shy away from saying things and thinking things that would not go over well with those whose validation we want. I have a very-right-wing friend whose very-right-wing friends heckle him for being into organic foods recently. “What next, tie-dyeing? Equal wage for equal work? Collectivization?” It is a credit to him that he got into organic foods at all, because he could probably see this coming. But that’s small. In larger things, the fear of rejection causes serious problems: how many people are torn to shreds by their inner conflict about being homosexual or atheist or Framsóknarmenn or anything else that they know their homophobic, devoutly religious, conservative family just will not accept?
The urge to seek agreement or affirmation tends to keep us out of trouble, but it also discourages us from “thinking different” (if one can even use this term anymore, now that the Apple marketing people have had their way with it). At its extreme, it would make vacuous yes-men out of us. But even without going to extremes, it is influential: the more we shy away from trouble by acquiescing to conventional wisdom, the more we allow our immediate environment — the people we interact with directly — to determine how and what we think, and by extension, what we are. And the less we determine it ourselves, by critical self-reflection and by seeking influences in a wider context.
Going along with things and avoiding disagreement might have spared me this marathon discussion, for example. My exasperation with that marathon might lead me to be less willing to dissent in the future; I need to be wary of that effect.
We should appreciate and enjoy affirmation when we get it (if we deserve it!) … but also ruthlessly recognize when we are letting our desire for it affect our thoughts and choices.
The self-appointed guru has spoken. :-þ
