Expectations
Praise, like gold and diamonds, owes its value to its scarcity.
— Samuel Butler, poet (1612-1680)
Here are a few random incomplete thoughts on expectations.
[Not in the mathematical sense, this time.]
A compliment is most appreciated when it is least expected.
[Unfortunately, when the compliment is most expected, the failure to deliver it never goes unnoticed.]
A surprise gift is more welcome and more effective than the exact same thing given as a birthday gift.
[So why not skip birthday gifts and Christmas/
/etc. gifts, and give all those gifts over the course of the year instead? Sensible, but most of us tend to need the annual reminders.]
We measure the events of our days and the course of our lives not by any absolute yardstick but by our own expectations.
[Disappointment calls for expectation tuning.]
Premature expectations raise hackles and jeopardize relationships.
[Getting started with someone? Don't hold back, but do hold your horses.]
Healthy relationships (friendships, courtships, partnerships, whatever) are those in which the involved parties are aware of, and agree on, the expectations held.
[Someone let you down? Maybe you should take better care of your expectations next time.]
June 21st, 2005 at 1:47 am
Currently I am reading the book Introduction to Buddhism (no Im not going crazy, but I have always been curious what makes different cultures and people tick) explains the Buddhists view on expectations. In order to be perfectly happy we need to detach ourselves from all things that bring us any joy, because eventually we will be disappointed when we are forced to separate from them.
In other words, we need to set our expectations to zero, that way we will engage in the Bodhisattvas way of life.
Liberation is a permanent inner peace attained through the complete abandonment of delusions
June 21st, 2005 at 2:01 am
It may be interpreted from my comment that I think:
a) that Buddhists are crazy
b) that Buddhists live an unhappy life
Both are incorrect, and I refer to Gulli’s writing on communication – I believe that Buddhism is probably a very good way for many people to live their life, and many of their core believes are very sensible (e.g. moral discipline and patience) but also some of their believes do not resonate with me (e.g. the soul lives forever, and therefore all the living souls on the earth have at one point been my mother; this does not take into account the population growth)
June 21st, 2005 at 3:07 am
Right-o. Buddhism (what little I know of it) is partly impressive and partly repulsive, to me, for that very reason. No, not the population growth thing (!!) … the other reason.
Detach myself from all things that bring me joy, in order to avoid the disappointment of, well, eventually being detached from them anyway?
On one level that sounds incredibly disciplined and level-headed, and on another it sounds like chickening out: ooh, I don’t want the pain so I’ll pass on the pleasure.
I’ve just presented what is with little doubt the least fair, most ignorant, most lamentably narrow-minded characterization ever made of that tenet of Buddhism, and in that ill-conceived context I must — completely illegitimately and naïvely — reject it.
Sure, I could undertake the (impressive, per se) task of detaching myself from all earthly joys in the rest of my life, but to what end? In my world view, the soul most certainly does not live forever. We only get one go, and it turns out to be unreasonably, heartbreakingly, terrifyingly short, and so help me God (figuratively speaking of course) I’m shooting for all the love and all the mozzarella di Bufala that life may care to make available to me, along with all the heartbreak and all the metabolic penance that may come bundled with them.
And of course I didn’t reject Buddhism just now; I rejected some shallow, makeshift kiddie model of it that nobody cared about anyway. So we got nowhere. Sorry about that. But I believe also Buddhism, properly presented (and I’m conjecturing here in my ignorance about properly-presented Buddhism), is about as compatible with my one-short-go world-view as water is with a hot frying pan: feel free to sprinkle it on, and it may serve to temper the heat for a more successful culinary experience, but it is hardly going to stay around for long. That does not need to do any discredit to either the water or the pan.
As for moral discipline and patience, those are obviously important values to respect and cultivate in oneself, which is why they are featured in the core of pretty much all mainstream religions and philosophies (again, stated without any significant familiarity with most of said religions and philosophies; yes, I’m a hack, folks) … but I cheerfully reject any notion that they are incompatible with the pursuit of the joys of this earthly existence.
In other words, I intend to be (in the fullness of time) just as morally sound and irreproachable as any Buddhist, and still get to love and eat mozzarella di Bufala. With plump, juicy red tomatoes and high-quality balsamic vinegar and olive oil and fresh basil, if you don’t mind. Sounds like a decent deal to me.
Great … you start with a few random thoughts on expectations, and where do you end up? Presenting the rickety skeleton of your semblance of a life philosophy for all to see, in a blog comment, at 3am. Thank you, Hjalti. Good thing I never claimed I’d be sensible.
June 28th, 2005 at 1:23 am
I believe bro is right about one thing. He rejected some shallow, makeshift kiddie model of Buddhism. I also believe bro is more of a Buddhist than he realizes.
“Disappointment calls for expectation tuning”. Like spoken out of the mouth of the great Gautama.
Bro makes the erroneous assumption that Buddhism preaches no pain and no enjoyment. Gautama noticed that most of the misery of human existence stemmed not from the inevitable unfavorable events everyone will face in his/her life, but from misconceptions and delusions of the mind.
As it turns out, Buddha was quite the plagiarist, stealing cool phrases from various places such as George Harrison (“be here now”) and the movie Princess Bride (“life is pain your highness, anybody who tells you differently is selling something”). He felt people were creating their own versions of hell inside their head, instead of just enjoying the positive and enduring and learning from the negative.
For example, I enjoy writing this, but at the same time I am regretting the discomfort I will feel in 3-4 hours when my slumber will be perturbed by my little bundle of joy thirsting for formula, and again an hour later when my other little bundle of joy will crave his bottle, and again an hour later when the first one wakes up with stomach cramps, and again an hour later when my eldest one will wake up refreshed after his 10 hour sound sleep. Instead, I should simply enjoy writing this, since I have decided to spend my time thus, and later tonight I should simply endure the drowsiness and learn to go to bed earlier.
Maybe I can find better examples. It is very probable that some of those dear to me will pass away before I do. I should not delude myself by expecting that they will always be around. Nor should I delude myself that they will all always be in good health, mentally and physically. Such delusions cause excessive pain. Instead I should enjoy their presence each day always understanding that “this too shall pass”. Thus the inevitable pain of their loss will simply be due to the loss at that time, not any mental misconceptions about how the world works. I should endure that pain, be grateful for our time together and go on living in the now. A homosexual in Corpus Christi, Texas, will probably have to endure unnecessary pain due to misconceptions and delusions if not of his own mind then certainly of many around him. The “culture” of female circumcision causes completely unnecessary pain (in addition to certain enjoyment being rendered impossible).
So much pain is caused by ignorance of one form or another. This is what troubled Buddha (until supposedly he understood the bigger picture and became completely untroubled – fully detached).
Bro would do well to read
http://www.sgi-usa.org/buddhism/buddhismtoday/bc010.htm
hopefully enjoying himself with ease while reading, and
http://www.longleaf.net/ggrow/Buddhism.html
in order to be able to reject Buddhism with firmer reasoning.
I for one find yoga and Buddhism to be quite sensible apart from the silly stuff like reincarnation. In fact, I will be chanting “NAM-MYOHO-RENGE-KYO” fervently while administering the ingestion of formula later tonight (though not out loud of course — I want to get back to bed as soon as possible, not wake up the rest of the household).
Then again, I guess I would think Hinduism, Islam and other religions (am I forgetting any of the major ones?) quite sensible after filtering out all the silly stuff (assuming there would be something left).
So remember bro:
When consuming porridge, only consume porridge; when criticizing Buddhism, only criticize Buddhism.
Be here now.
(Incidentally, George Harrison stole that from Baba Ram Dass, formerly known as Dr. Richard Alpert, professor of psychology at Harvard and Hinduist convert. He probably stole it too.)
June 28th, 2005 at 2:20 am
Hey, don’t you criticize my porridge consumption, you Buddhist.
I guess just about anything can be found sensible if you strip away the silly parts.
(And I guess just about anything can be found silly if you don’t. But that’s a good thing.)
When a stand-up comedian delivers a punchline, often an off-stage drummer will drum out a little something to make sure the audience recognizes that it was a punchline. “Baba Ram Dass” sounds like that drumming trick. That leaves my simple soul amused.
(Notwithstanding my fullest respect for names in the Indic languages per se; they just sound funny in a foreign context. My own name means “pig sty” in one language and “penis” in the next, and that’s fine, people can joke about that, I’m not bitter. Really.)
My reading list keeps growing. Rats! But thank you.